Oh, really…

I have to admit that I hate to be that person that all my friends come to for relationship help. I mean I don’t even have a relationship of my own, not to mention I haven’t had one for about 2 years. I am not quite sure why people think I am the perfect person to lay all these problems on and ask what can they do about it but god I wish I wasn’t THAT PERSON. Most of the people that ask me for relationship help happen to be my male friends, I don’t get it. I wanna punch people in the ovaries. Most of the doods I have had some kind of thing with and than they come to me and ask me about some sort of relationship shit they are in, DON’T THEY FIND IT AWKWARD?! APPARENTLY NOT! Just stab my eyes out now.

Besides that, everything has been going good. Working at Party City is pretty awesome, I actually like it a lot. I mean it’s not really a hard job and I basically get to blow up balloons all day for kids and people. My 21st birthday is in less than a month, which I am super pumped about. I mean nothing great is going to happen because my mom just got let go from her job because she’s a fucking dumbass and let them fire her. I hate her sometimes, but fucking whatever. My court shit went really good, I got off of it and just have to pay my fees which was $25 a month because I am a broke bitch.

There really isn’t anything going on in my life, which is really boring. It’s summer and I should have a bunch a shit going on but I really don’t. I have been playing WoW with Nick every now and than, but I suck really bad. I miss Nick a lot, it’s kind of a disappointment. He’s always busy and it’s not like he lives really far away or anything. I used to see him all the time last summer. Idk, I hope I get to see him soon. I have to go to the court to pay my fine, get my birth control, and I want to pick up some cards from Party City for my mom and Grandpa for their birthdays. Maybe stop at Game Stop and trade in some games. We will see.

Yeah, I hate you.

My life officially sucks. I have no idea what is wrong with me, I feel absolutely normal but I am quite sure that is not the case. I’ve been working at Game Stop for about three weeks and basically enjoying almost every minute that I work there. But I clearly needed a second job because just working at Game Stop wasn’t enough hours and money that I needed to pay all my bills. So I toughed up and just recently got another job working at Party City. I was pretty amped about it until, I called to get my hours at Game Stop today and Anthony put me on hold and than Derrek reluctantly picked up on the other end, oh great… This was continued by the typical oh things aren’t working out speech and now that you have a new job we think you’d be better off there. I did NOTHING to lose this job, not to mention I tried my hardest to work as much as I could, whatever. I am so pissed off because I really enjoyed working there but nope, shit is lame. Now I am once again back to only one job and looking for another one.

People are so lame, I am really frustrated. I mean I have always hated people but today I hate everyone just a little more. Not to mention I am really fucking depressed that I lost a job for no reason but basically my personality or moral stand point. I know I am really opinionated and can offend some people but really I couldn’t be more angered at this point in time. This is the second job I have lost like this… One was a Graphic Contract Job and that lasted about a month and now this one. I hope someone runs me over and takes away all my misery. I have to do a bunch of errands also and I have absolutely no money at all, which makes things even worse. I have applied to so many jobs it’s not even funny, and I have court on Wednesday. I honestly hope that whole thing smooths over or else I will have another thing making me so depressed. Fuck life.

Thanks For Nothing

I seriously have the most trouble with guys, I really don’t know if it is me or just the guys that I choose to date. It might just be the latter. Not to mention I am sort of an anti-social nazi. I hate going out at any costs which might sound ridiculous but I really enjoy being by myself, unless I find some decent people I enjoy spending my time with, which is few and far between.

Anyway, this guy Joe has been bugging me for about a week and a half to hang out with him again and I just haven’t really had the time to hang out with him. Not that I was purposely avoiding him or anything like that, I just do have things to do in my life. It might have been because the previous Sunday I said I was free and we were supposed to hang out but he never contacted me that day so I wasn’t about to just show up at his house or be the one to contact him because I’m not that way. So maybe it did something, anyway he keep bothering me so I finally told him I was free this weekend and I could hang out maybe.

So in the end, we ended up hanging out yesterday, which was a TOTAL DISASTER. I don’t even know why I bothered to hang out with him in the first place, I mean he is a really nice guy, I guess. I mean we have only hung out about three times, so from what I have seen everything seems alright. So my immediate family came over yesterday because of the whole Mother’s Day thing, so I really wasn’t able to leave until around 7pm, and this bro does not live close let me tell you. I drove about 45 minutes to his house and when I get there he is watching some hockey/mlb bullshit. Which always happens when I come over, and he explains to me that every time I come over there is some sort of ‘game’ going on, I am just like whatever. Next thing I know, his phone is going off like it’s the end of world, he is getting texts every 2-3 minutes, aka definitly know it’s some ho. I mean I know we aren’t anything exclusive, but if you are asking ME to come over than pay attention to ME, not some broad over in BANCOCK. Ugh I was so annoyed, than next thing I know he is trying to put the moves on me and I have not even been there like 10 minutes, LIKE HELLO I JUST DROVE 45 MINUTES IN MY CAR GIVE ME A MINUTE!!!!!!!! Ugh, so fucking annoying but whatever, I am not gonna be a total prude. Meanwhile, his phone is blowing up in his pocket and I feel the vibrations. I was so pissed off. I was like why did I even bother driving here if you didn’t want me here. Like, fuck you. Than after sitting there bored for like an hour while he texted some girl whose name starts with a B that I forget right now, he inconspicuously mentions how he is tired and wants to go to bed. I am like, fine with me I get to leave this boring place, and grab my shit and leave. But I make sure to send him a text after I already left that said ‘Way to pay more attention to your phone than to me. If you don’t want to hang out than tell me bc I drove mad far.’ He obviously didn’t reply because he is a PUSSY. :] Maybe this makes me an attention whore but I really don’t think so, I just want someone to give me some decent attention when I am hanging out with them, I don’t think that is TOO MUCH of a request, seriously.

My life is so comical, I wish I had exclusive documentary of it always. Tomorrow is my last final and I am done till the fall 08 semester, I in particular can not wait for this summer. I know of nothing great coming up but things aren’t going too bad. And I already lost about half an inch all around which is pretty awesome for a week of dieting. My life isn’t going to shabby… besides the whole shitty guys. But who ever said I needed a man.

shit shit shit

Everything just sucks lately. I’m not really sure what it is but I am just really depressed and nothing is really making it better. Well let me change that, work makes me happy. I really enjoy the people I work with and the atmosphere and stuff. My mom is just a really big bitch lately and everything she does drives me crazy. She has nothing positive to say, it’s just all really negative and makes me even more depressed than I am. I just feel like crying. wahh. :[ It’s like she hurts my feelings to make herself feel better. I used to be really suicidal and since I have been really depressed she has been just eating it up. On Monday, she basically was like ‘Oh are you going to go kill yourself?’ and I responded immediately ‘Are you serious? Get away from me.’ Than she got really annoyed and was like ‘Fine. Fuck you, Go fuck yourself.’ Honestly who says that shit, I mean what if I really was suicidal, and that was all I needed to push me over the edge? She is the worst person to be around at times like these. I have like tears in my eyes and an ache in my chest.

I really wish I was working this weekend so I could get away from my whole family. But of course not, I am only working on Friday, which doesn’t really help me at all. I have been on a diet the past couple days and been doing really good. Walking every night and eating about 1000 calories a day. It’s possibly the only other good thing going for me. I really wish I could be in a better place than I am right now. I don’t really have any friends or anyone to care about me. I know I am not the only person who is like this, but I often find myself feeling excluded from the world. I wish I was a somebody, and I wish I had a bunch of people to care about me and love me for who I was instead of hating me for the person I am. I feel like I have felt this way my entire life, the excluded unloved child, the one no one will ever love.

be my savior.

disapointment

I can’t wait to get this week over with already and it hasn’t even started. I really wish I could have higher expectations of people and stop living in my negativity but honestly people just keep proving me right. Last night this bro Joe, who I have hung out with a few times texted me hang out today and I was like whatever I mean I really didn’t have anything else to do today, I mean Randy asked me to hang out but I knew he was going to ditch me out because he does that all the time he makes plans with me. So Joe ended up ditching me out, which is utterly so lame, I really don’t care that he ditched me it’s more about the fact that you don’t have the balls to be like ‘Oh, I can’t hang out.’ Instead they just don’t say anything and act like you two never had plans. Lmao. Maybe I should turn lesbian, maybe I’d have better luck with women… if only I didn’t like cock so much.

Anyways today I basically went around and did a bunch of errands. I went to try to get my hair-dye at like three different stores but they were all sold out at each of them and being the dumb ass that I am, I forgot to get a rain-check. MEH. Then I went to get Starbucks and went to see if I could find another pair of pants for work, but apparently I feel like I look as big as a house and nothing looks right on me so I found nothing. I tried on about 10 pairs of pants, and nothing was worth getting. Tomorrow I am gonna go to the board shop next to my house and see if they have any Volcom pants. Maybe I will feel better about myself… Probably not. I bought a little book to right down all my food intake, tomorrow I am gonna start my raw-fruit detox diet. I’ll see how long I can do it for because I am so homo. Plus I am going to try and walk every night for at least 30 minutes. I think I really like the dude at my job, it’s so kinda weird and creepy. Oh well. I hope I don’t screw things up like I usually do. I’m such a noob. Someone please kill me.